Tuesday, January 11, 2011

The deepness grows...

Yesterday I realized something. It was something that was hard for me to say out loud and when I prayed about it with Justin I began to cry in a way that I haven't cried in a while. I almost felt a little bit of loss.

What is it that caused such a reaction in my heart? Well I realized that I so desperately wanted a girl of my own that I don't think adoption would fill that hole that is in my heart. By "my own" I mean biological of course.

It tore me up. I mean I have said for a long time that if our next child was a boy that I would want to adopt a girl. But after having such a strong desire to have my own daughter I realized it would not be fair to adopt.

I was also torn up because here I am so blessed by my sweet Ian and Owen and yet I am crying about not having a little girl, while all the time there are people who have not had the experience of holding their sweet baby. I felt so selfish.

The good news in all of this is I have been reading a book series by Lynn Austin called the Chronicles of the Kings. It is really good and I really feel like it is bringing my relationship with Christ to a new level. The way I cried last night while praying was something I haven't felt is a long time, if ever. I longed to cry out to our Yahweh. I wanted to ask him to be my strength rather than to give me strength. I want so desperately to have this deepness continue to grow.

That brings me to another thing. My church is doing a women's Bible study on Proverbs 31! I am so excited and can't wait to start it next week. It was such perfect timing since I have been trying to work on being a Proverbs 31 women.

1 comment:

HaleyP said...

Oh girl..you are speaking my language! Although, once you have a little girl in your home, even if she isn't biological, it's hard to remember you didn't birth her! I pray you have a little princess some day!