Thursday, February 7, 2019

On a more serious note...

I'm realizing that I am pretty angry. I am angry that I was not able to have a third child. Am I angry at my husband? Maybe. Am I angry at myself? Maybe. Am I angry at God? Yes. I have realized lately that I am so very angry at God for not allowing me the joy and honor of raising our third child. Now at this point in our lives it seems too late. My depression seems to be too much for me to be able to take care of a baby and myself. However, during those years of trying, why? Why didn't he allow us to have a third child? I know I will never know and by the time I can ask God in heaven I won't care, but this is my heart right now. It's effecting a lot. It's hard for me to go to church. Which is hard on my youngest son. He brings this up often.  I was listening to a podcast this morning and she brought up the verse from Psalm 37:5. It says "Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act." It is hard to follow this when I did commit my way to the LORD and yet I feel like he never acted. Then I think about Abraham and Sarah. They were way beyond child bearing age when God gave them Issac. Do I have to wait that long to be healed of depression and then be blessed with a third child? Gosh I hope not. Will God even heal me of this time of depression? These are the thoughts that consume me. These are the thoughts that cause me to want a different life some times. That's horrible, I know. But it is just me being honest.

I hope you can be honest too. I plan to talk to my counselor about this at my next appointment. I have talked to my husband and a close friend about it. I know I have people praying for me. I know I will get to a point of healing because I know that I serve a God who is the great physician. 

Thank you for letting me bear my heart to you today. 

Thursday, January 3, 2019

Explanation of #8 on my 40 before 40 list...

I don't know if any of you are wondering why I would put "Wear a dress that shows some cleavage and wear it with confidence (aka don’t be insecure)" on my 40 before 40 list, but here it is. I'm a bigger girl on top. So when buying clothes I often times find myself turning down things that look cute or fit most places, because they have a lower cut top. I have this one dress (see picture below). It is one of my favorites. I wear a lot in the summer, but when I do I am always...I repeat, ALWAYS...self conscience about the low cut top. Now, should I be? I don't know? Truth be told I feel like either way I just need to be more confident in what I wear. When I am wearing that favorite dress of mine I need to stop putting my hands over my chest. I need to wear it and wear it proudly. I do want to stay classy. I'm not trying to show off my girls, so don't worry about that. :) I do often wear tank tops under things in order to add a little coverage to things, because like I said, I do want to stay classy. However, even then things seem to be low. Story of my life friends, STORY OF MY LIFE!!!

So there you have it, that is the answer as to why I put it on my 40 before 40 list. Tell me, what is something you have on your list that you might need to explain a bit?

Saturday, December 22, 2018

What did I learn from wearing make up everyday for a month?

I did it! I was able to cross off number 34 from my 40 before 40 list! I wore make up everyday for a month! 

Now you may be wondering, why? Why did I have that on my list of 40 things to do before I turn 40? Well it started out as something I wanted to do for my husband. I wanted to make sure I looked nice for him on a more regular basis. Then it turned into more of a confidence thing for me. You see when I look nice I feel more confident. When I feel more confident I tend to get more things done. 

So did I learn anything, you ask? Well yes, yes I did! Here is what I learned: 

1. This is going to sound so very vain, but I finally learned that I am beautiful on the outside. For most of my life I have always known I am beautiful on the inside. In fact I have had many people tell me that. To clarify, they did not tell me that I wasn't beautiful on the outside. However, I never believed when people told me that I was beautiful on the outside. Like okay, I might have a nice smile or maybe my eyes are pretty, but as a whole I never really felt like I was pretty. I have found, now, that I am beautiful. I'm not trying to be a braggy braggerson (sorry, I use that term with my kids all the time), but it's true. I took a lot of selfies while doing this challenge, mainly to prove that I was wearing make up that day and I saw the beauty that others saw. 

2. I don't have to go all out for it to be considered "wearing make up". I can just throw on some mascara and a little tinted chap-stick, if it's a jeans and t-shirt kind of day. When I'm dressing up more then I can go all out and wear eye shadow, eye liner, blush, lip gloss. You get the idea. 

3. Wearing make up makes me want to dress up more, even on just a stay at home all day kind of day. Being a stay at home mom, most days I find I wear what I slept in, unless I have to leave the house. However, I have found that I want to dress up more. I was recently telling my friends that I want to dress more like DJ from Fuller House! I mean her character dresses all cute and it's just a Saturday! 

There you go, the things I learned by wearing make up everyday! I think I will probably continue wearing make up most days. Now, I wonder what I will conquer next on my list?!?!

Thursday, November 15, 2018

40 things to do before I turn 40 list, update

Check it out! I have been able to cross things off my list! I also am  changing things on my list. I have realized that somethings just aren't what I want anymore (example: having another kid) and somethings just aren't realistic (example: seeing a Broadway musical). So I am taking those things off and am currently thinking of things to replace them with! Here is the current list as it stands. What do you think? What is on your list? 

  1. Lose 100 pounds
  2. Skinny dip with Justin
  3. Go on a trip with just Justin
  4. Go on a trip somewhere fun with just Justin and the kids
  5. Get paid to take someone’s pictures
  6. Take some sort of class, like cake decorating, photography, or crafting class
  7. Have all of our boxes cleared out of the garage
  8. Wear a dress that shows some cleavage and wear it with confidence (aka don’t be insecure)
  9. Go camping
  10. Do a cartwheel
  11. Go snorkeling
  12. Take a self defense class
  13. Take a girls trip with my closest girlfriends
  14. Get my passport

  15. Go to an OSU football game
  16. Be in more pictures with Justin and the kids
  17. Write an article and submit it to a newspaper or magazine
  18. Have purple highlights in my hair
  19. Throw a birthday party for an underprivileged kid
  20. Sponsor a child through compassion international
  21. Go to a formal event with Justin
  22. Have a FRIENDS marathon weekend where I (and anyone else who wants to join me) watch all 10 seasons of FRIENDS in order. This may be more of a 2 weekend event
  23. Take the family to Disney World
  24. Re-do our wedding vows (after losing weight)
  25. Audition for a musical
  26. Make a family yearbook at least once
  27. Pay for a stranger's meal
  28. Buy a bike and go on rides with my kids/family
  29. Host more get togethers
  30. Be able to wear a pair of boots that come to my knee

  31. Wear makeup everyday for a month
  32. Buy fancy but comfy pajamas
  33. Serve others more than myself
  34. Do a Bible study and actually complete it
  35. Find a way to contribute to our families finances without compromising my role as a mom and wife

  36. Climb an indoor rock climbing wall

Thursday, June 14, 2018

They are listening...

Last night we told the truth about the Bible to our boys. 

You know, the fact that it isn't just filled with stories of hero's and do gooders, miracles and people coming to Jesus. 

Yes, we told them the truth. 

Let me give you the background. We had a certain situation where a person told a story around us (not just us, a lot of people actually). We, as a family, thought it was filled with inappropriate themes. Since this instance my kids have felt that they shouldn't listen or be respectful of this particular person. We actually took our concerns to some people, including the person in question. His response was respectful. We are trying to teach the boys that just because someone has done something that is inappropriate or wrong, it doesn't mean that we have to shut them out and decide that that person is not good or deserving of respect. Because the truth is we all sin. We all fall short of God's glory. God forgives each one of us. He loves each one of us. 

Fast forward (well technically rewind) to last night. We had to break it to them that King David, yes, the hero who killed Goliath, saw a women who was married, decided he wanted her as his wife (we didn't go into too much detail here seeing how they are still 7 and 9), had her husband killed so that he could then marry her. 

Owen's response was "but she was already married. You can't marry someone who was already married!" I love his sweet innocence. 

That was our point. He was getting it. David sinned. He did things that were "inappropriate" (their words). Yet, he was still knows as a man after God's own heart! I'm not quite sure they really got our point, but I think they might have at least heard what we were saying. 

Sometimes we fight so hard to get points across to our kids. I think though that they hear us. They like to play devils advocate. However, when it comes to it, they hear us and they learn from us. So keep teaching them. Don't get warn out. Parenting is tough. I'm not sure that was the point I was going with when I started this post, but I do want to encourage you. Search for signs that they are listening. Because I promise you they are!  

Tuesday, June 5, 2018


My boys and I decided to have a vegetable garden this year! I forgot how wonderful it is to watch God's amazing creations grow into the food we eat! It truly is amazing. It has been so much fun getting my kids involved this year. I have tried in years past, but I think they were just too young to truly get into it and understand the work it takes and to really enjoy it. This year, however, they are helping and from what I can tell, loving it! Every time we spot a vegetable we all get excited! 

We currently have three pepper plants, watermelon, zucchini, cucumbers, cherry tomatoes, and lima beans! And of course we have planted some marigolds to help get some bees to come around as well as keep some bugs away. Apparently some bugs don't like marigolds! We have the lima beans, cherry tomatoes, cucumbers, and zucchini are in containers or pots. The pepper plants and watermelon are in our raised garden bed. (see pictures below)

We started watching youtube videos from MIgardner and have learned a lot about gardening from him as well as other pages that I have been reading. My boys got inspired from MIgardener and asked if they could start their own youtube channel. I said they could (of course I am the one in charge of it). They are having fun doing that! Check out the link that that here.

I have to say that I have found that gardening has given me some sort of purpose. I'm not sure if that makes sense or not. It's not like we really needed this garden. I mean, after all we can just go to the store and get these vegetables. I don't know really how to describe it. I have just really enjoyed it. I feel like it has helped keep my depression at bay. Anyways, I hope you can find some happiness in gardening or something like it!

Here are a few pictures from our garden so far. I'm hoping we have a good harvest of all things planted! I'm already planning for our garden for next year. I guess I should plan for our fall garden. I heard it was important to have things planted in your garden bed so weeds keep out. Perhaps we will just do one thing in the whole bed for the fall, just to keep busy. 

Friday, May 11, 2018

One year down...

Well it's here. The. Last. Day. Of. School.


We actually completed our first year of doing school at home! I've got to be honest, I'm pretty shocked that we did. I fully expected to have the boys enrolled back in school come Christmas time. Okay, maybe not, but I wasn't too confident in my ability to do this, so the fact that we completed the first year is pretty great! 

Here are some things I have learned:

1. Teachers for reals deserve to get paid way more than they do. I realized this early on. After spending just a few hours helping Owen with his school work. I couldn't imagine having an entire class full of students to have to deal with! Yikes!

2. Apparently I need alone time. When the boys were going to school I was already getting it so I didn't realize that I needed it. Now that they are home all day, I don't get it as much, so i am in need of it much more often! Even if it is just a few minutes of being alone in the bedroom or on the front porch. 

3. My kids are freaking geniuses! Ha! Seriously though, their teachers always told me that they were smart, but getting to work with them one on one has been eye opening on just how smart they are! I love it!

4. While we have the freedom to do school whenever we want, doing school in the morning seemed to work out best for us. If we didn't do it shortly after we work up it just didn't get up it just didn't get done. Which lead to more work the next day. 

5. Set my expectations low so when they are met and passed we will be happy! This can pretty much apply to anything in life though really. I had a lot of art projects planed and wanted to do some field trip type activities, and those things never got done. 

There you have it. Our first year of doing school at home is over and I couldn't be more happy. Now for a couple of weeks of relaxing and sleeping in, hanging by the pool, vacationing and spending time with family!