On a more serious note...

I'm realizing that I am pretty angry. I am angry that I was not able to have a third child. Am I angry at my husband? Maybe. Am I angry at myself? Maybe. Am I angry at God? Yes. I have realized lately that I am so very angry at God for not allowing me the joy and honor of raising our third child. Now at this point in our lives it seems too late. My depression seems to be too much for me to be able to take care of a baby and myself. However, during those years of trying, why? Why didn't he allow us to have a third child? I know I will never know and by the time I can ask God in heaven I won't care, but this is my heart right now. It's effecting a lot. It's hard for me to go to church. Which is hard on my youngest son. He brings this up often.  I was listening to a podcast this morning and she brought up the verse from Psalm 37:5. It says "Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act." It is hard to follow this when I did commit my way to the LORD and yet I feel like he never acted. Then I think about Abraham and Sarah. They were way beyond child bearing age when God gave them Issac. Do I have to wait that long to be healed of depression and then be blessed with a third child? Gosh I hope not. Will God even heal me of this time of depression? These are the thoughts that consume me. These are the thoughts that cause me to want a different life some times. That's horrible, I know. But it is just me being honest.

I hope you can be honest too. I plan to talk to my counselor about this at my next appointment. I have talked to my husband and a close friend about it. I know I have people praying for me. I know I will get to a point of healing because I know that I serve a God who is the great physician. 

Thank you for letting me bear my heart to you today. 

Explanation of #8 on my 40 before 40 list...

I don't know if any of you are wondering why I would put "Wear a dress that shows some cleavage and wear it with confidence (aka don’t be insecure)" on my 40 before 40 list, but here it is. I'm a bigger girl on top. So when buying clothes I often times find myself turning down things that look cute or fit most places, because they have a lower cut top. I have this one dress (see picture below). It is one of my favorites. I wear a lot in the summer, but when I do I am always...I repeat, ALWAYS...self conscience about the low cut top. Now, should I be? I don't know? Truth be told I feel like either way I just need to be more confident in what I wear. When I am wearing that favorite dress of mine I need to stop putting my hands over my chest. I need to wear it and wear it proudly. I do want to stay classy. I'm not trying to show off my girls, so don't worry about that. :) I do often wear tank tops under things in order to add a little coverage to things, because like I said, I do want to stay classy. However, even then things seem to be low. Story of my life friends, STORY OF MY LIFE!!!

So there you have it, that is the answer as to why I put it on my 40 before 40 list. Tell me, what is something you have on your list that you might need to explain a bit?