In all the 4 1/2 year I have been a mom I have never had such a difficult time as I have the past two nights. Now I have had moments when I just needed a break, time to myself or with girlfriends, but never, NEVER have I felt like leaving and not coming back, which is how I felt tonight.
I hate to admit this because it is such a horrible thought. It is something I would totally judge another person for doing. I guess the difference between me and someone who has left their family is that I only thought it, I am not going to do it.
As I sat on the end of my son's bed tonight I began to cry. You see he has been making such poor decisions lately, especially at bed time. It makes it tough to be a mom when he is like that. He doesn't care about what the consequences are. We take things away as punishment, but he doesn't seem to care about anything enough to care. We have spanked, again he doesn't seem to care, he will cry and then with in a few minutes be at it again!
Tonight was my breaking point I guess. As I mentioned I just sat on his bed and cried. At this point he had settled down for the most part. My oldest son proceeded to ask why I was crying and I didn't know what to say, so this is what I said "I'm just tired of you boys making such poor choices. It hurts my heart and wears me out." I hope that maybe they will see the effect their choices have on me and perhaps that will get them to make better choices.
Something that came into my mind as I sat there and cried was how God must feel. Everyone in this world, Christians and non Christians, sin, we make poor choices on a daily basis. How many times has he sat in heaven and wondered why we make such stupid decisions. At that moment I was so very thankful that God is God and I am not. Let's just say we should all be thankful of that! If I were God I would have walked away a long time ago, I'm talking Adam and Eve time period.
Before I left the room I told the kids that I loved them. I think when I go to sleep at night God must be whispering that in my ear too. I hope that I can be a better child of God. I hope that I can set the example to my kids so that one day they too will become children of God. I'm so thankful for a forgiving God, which is why I am going to forgive my children, even if they don't ask for it. I love them, more than they will ever know!