Wow, I don't even know where to start. The last few weeks have been such a crazy whirl wind of emotions for me. Let me just start by saying I couldn't have made it through with out the support of my fabulous husband and friend Misti. They are truly a God send.
Ok, so here we go...
When Owen was born I held him a lot, skin to skin. I am not sure if that is what formed the bond that he has with me or not, but I think it might be part of it. As I mentioned in the previous post we have had major issues with him crying and only settling down when I pick him up. This has made for a very hard time for me. (and my husband, but since this is my blog I will only talk about me for now) I had this little baby who wanted me so much but to be honest I just wanted some sleep. I didn't feel as though I loved this child. I was really only doing the necessary things to take care of him, feeding and changing him. Of course I held him because that seemed to be the only thing to get him to not cry. But honestly I wasn't enjoying it. I read a blog where the lady said for the first four months she felt like that. That helped me get through it. I also had many other people tell me the same thing.
I felt like I was the worst mom for not feeling love for this child I carried for 9 months. Which of course made it harder to get through the day. I kept being reassured by friends and family that it would change. I would have a day here and there where I felt like things were changing, but then it would go back to the way it was.
Friday afternoon. I was getting ready for a date with my husband when Owen woke up. I held him for awhile until Ian woke up too. At first Ian was crying and wouldn't come out of his room so I put Owen down and picked up Ian. Well when I got back to the living room Ian was sitting on my lap and we were watching videos of Tim Hawkins (funny guy) when Owen started crying. I knew that I didn't want to put Ian down so I just picked up Owen too. It was at that moment that the doors to my heart just opened up and were filled with love! I started crying because both my boys had stopped crying when I picked them up. They were both just laying there head on my shoulders. I felt so blessed and just couldn't believe what an awesome moment God had provided me with! I can honestly say that I love BOTH of my boys right now. It is so amazing how one moment can change your perspective on things.
Now I am picking up Owen and kissing him and loving him with meaning! During our date on Friday, I text messaged our friend who was watching them, to check on how they were doing. She said Owen has having a hard time. My mommy heart leapt into gear and we were on our way to get him. I remember having this feeling with Ian and I was so very happy to have it with Owen!
I hope that this encourages those of you who might be going (or soon to be going) through this. More than anything I hope you don't go through the struggle of loving your child. But if you do, know that you are not alone.
Here are the two blogs that really encouraged me during this time of struggle:
The finer things in life be sure to read the comments on this post as people give great advice.
Blissfully Domestic, this was really encouraging.
Dear Lord- our time as moms is a weird vortex where days last forever and years fly by, help us to do all we can and be present in the lives of our boys.. because someday we’ll awake to the fact that they are men… and we’ll be proud. I love you lord and thank you for my boys.. and for them becoming men, in your time. Amen (taken from The MOB Society)