Being the fat person…

I was reminded recently that I’m fat. It’s never easy to hear that, especially after you’ve lost a lot of weight. I’m still fat. Some of you may think it doesn’t matter. You may say things like “you’re beautiful” or “you are loved by so many.” Please note, I’m not saying I’m ugly or not loved by others. I’m saying I’m fat. Why does this matter then? Because, as a single woman I’d like to date again at some point. But when someone says “honestly, you’re not his type. He likes gym rats.” That just reinforces that men don’t give a crap if I’ve got a pretty face or am kind or loved. They simply care about weight. 

Now, those of you who are ignorant might say “then lose weight. Eat less and move more.” To you I say, shut the F up. For most overweight people, it’s not that simple. For instance, I was given the lovely diagnosis of PCOS. This isn’t simply a diagnosis of infertility or irregular periods. It can make it difficult to lose weight, especially the area around your stomach. I was hoping that the weight-loss surgery would reverse my PCOS, as that’s what the doctor said would happen. I still deal with that belly weight that doesn’t want to go away. Regarding moving more, I have degenerative disc disease in my lower back. Not only does this cause back pain, but it causes terrible pain down my left leg. This makes it really difficult to do even simple tasks like standing up to make dinner. 

When I am attracted to someone, only to be told “you’re not his type” aka you’re fat, it reminds me why I settled so long ago. I didn’t think that someone I liked and was attracted to would ever feel the same about me. 

What’s the point of this rant? I don’t know. I’m just frustrated with life and sometimes it just feels good to get it out in a way you know others will hear you. 

Why…

Do you ever just wonder why? Why am I so unlovable? Why can’t I have what I desire? Why do I struggle with needing the approval of other people? 

Confidence…

I once read that men find confidence in a woman attractive. My first thought, as I begin my life post divorce is “well I’m screwed!” I have never been confident in anything I do or in the way I look. 

For me, there has always been a focus on losing weight. I feel like some of my first memories are of a fad diet or having to go on an extremely long and miserable walk. My father always seemed to push me in the direction that I needed to lose weight to look good and be happy. 

What I hate the most is that as a young kid I wasn’t actually fat. I don’t even think I was overweight! Here are a couple of my school pictures from junior high.

Fast forward to high school. Two memories stick out to me. The first one was at school. I believe I was buying my prom ticket and this kid, who was considered popular, said something mean to me about my weight. The second one was, sadly, at church camp. The high school guys made some top 5 or top 10 lists of the girls. Of course I didn’t make it on the looks list. I did, however make it on the personality list. I hate that. What a crappy thing to experience while at church camp! 

You may be asking “why is she telling us this?” The reason is, I want us to do better! Let’s teach our kids that they can be happy NO MATTER WHAT SIZE they are!  Let’s teach them that being healthy is different than losing weight. Sometimes being healthy includes losing weight, that’s not lost on me. I just want the next generation to be the beautiful person God made them to be! Let’s also teach our kids to be kind. Pointing out another person’s insecurities does not make you cool. Let’s learn to love ourselves! Let’s be happy with the body we have, rolls and all! 

In case no one has told you today, I think you’re beautiful! I think you’re handsome!

Depression and loneliness

I’m once again finding myself feeling sad and lonely. I don’t understand why my friends don’t want to hang out with me. I know it’s not that they aren’t doing things. Social media shows me that they are. 

Is it my depression? Is that what keeps them from inviting me? Perhaps it’s that I come on too needy? I just wish I could find another adult human who wanted to spend time with me. 

Feeling good...

In March of 2023 I had weightloss surgery. Thus far I have lost 100 lbs! I feel amazing. I'm getting healthier, and more importantly I'm happier! For the first time in my life I actually feel sexy. I have had people tell me I'm pretty or beautiful and maybe like 2 people have said I'm sexy. However, never have I truly felt sexy, beautiful, or pretty. The older I get, the more comfortable I get in my skin. 

I can look back at pre surgery pictures and see the beautiful person I have always been. Probably for the first time ever! I can also look at pictures I take now and think "damn I'm sexy!" I'm more confident, too! 

I'm going to share a picture that I took yesterday. I went back and forth on how to share it, and decided my blog was the place to do it! 

I hope that you all can see how beautiful you are, no matter what you weigh. I hope it doesn't take losing 100 lbs for you to feel sexy. 

Day two...

With my boys doing school on the laptops it makes it a little harder for me to get to have time to use them to blog, but I will get this 31 day blog challenge done, it just may not be everyday as planned. Here is day two! Twenty facts about me:

1. With in the last few years I have caught the theatre bug! As you may have known, it was on my 40 before list to audition for a play or musical before I turned 40. When I actually got into the play I was shocked! I loved it though and have wanted to do more since! I just found out yesterday that I got into the next production at our local theatre! 

2. I hate asparagus. I feel like it is one of the few vegetables that should have been left for animals to eat and not for human consumption. I have even had it wrapped in bacon and still don't like it. That should say something about it if bacon can't even help it! Haha!

3. I love to read, but do not do it nearly enough. The truth is that if I read as much as I wanted to I would ignore my family and stay up way to late reading. That is how much I love to read. 

4. I deal with depression. I think I have probably talked a little bit about this on this blog. It is a difficult thing to deal with when you have two young kids (it is difficult to deal with no matter what really) who don't understand why you want to sleep so much. 

5. I don't typically sleep very late. For example last night I went to bed around 10 and I woke up at 3 am. Usually I "sleep in" till 4, but the last few days have been earlier than that. It makes the need for a nap a real thing. 

6. I have so many cookie cutters it isn't even funny. Do I ever make cookies with them? No. Should I get rid of them? Probably. Will I get rid of them. No. Why? Because, just as soon as I get rid of them I will need to make some cookies! Haha!

7. I have now been called to Jury Duty twice! The first time I got to sit on two different cases. This time I have yet to be called. I am still on call though, so fingers crossed that I will get called on a case!

8. I am realizing that finding 20 things about myself is difficult.

9. I like coffee. But I am more like a can I have coffee in my creamer type of gal. 

10. All time favorite TV series is Friends! I love it. I quote it. I respect anyone who gets my quotes or who also quotes it. 

11. I am a horrible home maker. Like my house is a mess 24/7. It drives me crazy. I hate the mess, but because of depression and other health problems and, well let's just be honest, laziness, I don't pick up said mess. 

12. I have a passion for girls/women who find themselves in a surprise/crisis pregnancy. I recently started volunteering at our local pregnancy resource center. I love their mission!

13. I am that competitive sports mom. You know the one. I'm yelling from the side. Losing my voice sometimes. Well this year has been a little different because of covid. My son didn't get to play school basketball, so we signed him up for Upward basketball through our church. The rules are a lot different when it comes to being competitive. I've had to really watch myself with the "that's my boy" and such. Haha!

14. I have a clothes addiction. I didn't realize it till this summer when I started to clear out things around the house. I slowly started to declutter. When it came time to declutter my closet I realized I had a lot of clothes! Is it a problem? Maybe. A problem I'm okay with, for sure!

15. I got my first tattoo last year! I kind of love it! Anytime I buy new clothes now I think "is this going to show off my tattoo?"

16. I have terrible penmanship. Like I'm pretty sure there are some first graders who write better than me! It is a good thing this blog is typed other wise you may not be able to read it!

17. When I get a drink out to eat it is always an unsweet tea with lots of ice. 

18. I keep my nativity scene up year round. Not because I'm lazy and don't want to put it up, but because I think it is beautiful and I think it should be seen year round!

19. My favorite meal to eat is Eckrich sausage and fried potatoes. Oh so good! 

20. My favorite podcast to listen to is called Glorious in the Mundane, by Christy Nockels. Go check it out. It is so good and encouraging.  

Day one...

 It has been a while since I have talked about me. Well that isn't true, I talk about me all the time. Let me start over. It has been a while since I have updated you on who I am. There we go, that is better. :) 

My name is Jessica. I am currently a stay at home mom. I have two boys, a 12 year old and a 10 year old, and a husband of 14 years. We have a cat named Waffles. 

My current passion is volunteering at our local pregnancy resource center. If your town has one of these then you know how important it can be to woman who find themselves pregnant and without family or friends to help them. We are an organization that can give them hope, resources, and most importantly share the love of Christ with them. I currently am just the receptionist, but I can't wait to get more involved. 

We "home school" our kids. I put that in quotes because it is more like school at home. It is called Epic Charter school and it is public school online. Currently my kids are doing great at it. We have done this for the past 4 years, gone through 4 teachers, 3 of which we liked. That is the great thing about Epic is that if you don't click with your teacher, you can totally request a different one! I am so glad we did this year. Our current teacher is great and we even have one of our former favorite teachers as our principle! *Side story, our first Epic teacher, Sarah Philpot, is now an author! You can buy it here.  "In this story the town's favorite storyteller, The Fable King, feels like a constant failure because of his dyslexia. But he's not a failure! He has an amazing ability." I'm SO proud of her and just had to share this on here! 

I'm not sure what else to share with you. I recently turned 40 and nearly completed my 40 before 40 list! I was so close to finishing that. I think I actually went through a day of depression the day before I turned 40 because of the fact that I no longer had that goal in mind to look forward to. 

Okay, day 1 of the blog challenge done! Oh I am supposed to share a recent picture of me. I think the most recent good one is the one I shared on here the other day, so I will just re-use it. :) 

31 - Day Blog Challenge...

I have decided to participate in a 31-day blog challenge! I am hoping that everyday I will get a blog post out, each with a different topic. So be on the look out! I should get my first one out today or tomorrow! I got the idea from this blog here. It's been a few years since they did theirs, but I think I can still join in. So what do you say? Join me on this journey?

Update on 40 before 40 list...

 Tomorrow I turn fourrrrr. Fourrrr. I just can't say it. Let's just say it is the number after 39. Shiver! 

So I wanted to update y'all on my 40 before 40 list! I didn't finish everything on there, but I'm pretty proud of myself for all that I did accomplish. Let's take a look at where I stand…

1. Lose weight

2. For my eyes only but it got done

3. Go on a trip with just Justin

4. Go on a trip somewhere fun with just Justin and the kids

5. Get paid to take someone’s pictures

6. Take some sort of class, like cake decorating, photography, or crafting class

7. Declutter the entire main house

8. Wear a dress or shirt that shows some cleavage and wear it with confidence (aka don’t be insecure)

9. Go camping 

10. Do a cartwheel 

11. Go snorkeling 

12. Take a self defense class

13. Take a girls trip with my closest girlfriends

14. Get my passport

15. Get a tattoo

16. Go to an OSU football game

17. Be in more pictures with Justin and the kids

18. Write an article and submit it to a newspaper or magazine 

19. Have purple highlights in my hair

20. Throw a birthday party for an underprivileged kid

21. Sponsor a child through compassion international

22. Go to a formal event with Justin

23. Have a FRIENDS marathon weekend where I (and anyone else who wants to join me) watch all 10 seasons of FRIENDS in order. This may be more of a 2 weekend event

24. Take the family to Disney World or Lego Land CA

25. For my eyes only, but didn’t get done

26. Audition for a musical or play

27. Make a family yearbook at least once

28. Pay for a stranger's meal

29. Buy a bike and go on rides with my kids/family

30. Host more get togethers

31. Be able to wear a pair of boots that come to my knee

32. See Michael Buble in concert

33. Do a date night for Justin that he would enjoy.

34. Wear makeup everyday for a month

35. Buy fancy but comfy pajamas

36. Serve others more than myself

37. Do a Bible study and actually complete it

38. Find a way to contribute to our families finances without compromising my role as a mom and wife

39. Start taking the wall paper down in the guest house!

40. Climb an indoor rock climbing wall 

It looks like I have 13 list items that will be going onto my future bucket list! I’d say that is pretty darn good! I started this list when I was 35! I am realizing that there are some of these that I could have done, but didn’t. Like get my passport. That I should have done when I first started. 

So on a different note, turning the big 4-0 has me freaking out. I don’t know why. Age has never had me freak out before. Maybe it is this list and the fact that I didn’t finish it. Who knows. Did turning a certain age ever freak you out? What is weird is that it wasn’t until today that it had me going crazy!

Well, here is to turning 40! There I said it. I’m turning 40. Aghhhhh! Here is a picture of me on my last day of being in my 30’s. Cause you know tomorrow I might look totally older. Hahaha!

Road trip must haves...

We recently went on a road trip and it went surprisingly smooth. It took us 2 days to get to our destination and while we were driving I thought I should write out what it is that is making this so successful! 

So with out further ado, here are my 4 road trip must haves: 

1. Snack tubs. We have been using these for the for the past 5 years. We fill them up with snacks, each kid gets to pick two things and the adults of course can pick however many they want.  I'll be honest, it's mostly junk food for us, but you can do healthy stuff too!  Before our trip I divide the snacks up between each tub. My husband and I share a tub and then we have an extras tub. The kids don't have to ask us if they can have a snack. They just have to make sure it lasts them the two days our road trip lasts.

2. Neck pillows or travel pillows. This is more for the adult in the passenger seat, but we also have them for the kids. It is better than taking regular pillows, which are bigger and take up more space. Here is a link to one similar to ours. 

3. DVD player. This is a big one for families with kids who can't read or don't like to read. It helps divide those long road trips up and distracts the kids. Just don't forget the DVDs! 

4. Tablets with books downloaded. This is a big one for families who have kids who love to read! Which my kids do. They pack both physical books and books on their tablets. Again, it is something to keep them distracted. I personally can't read while in the car as it makes me car sick, but hey if you're able to them more power to ya!

These are the four most important things I think will help your road trip go a little smoother. Do you have any tips to help a road trip go well?

My first tattoo...

Well let's see the day started with a migraine and I was up at 2 in the morning and couldn't get back to sleep. Not a fun way to start the day. Especially since I was nervous as all get out! 

The time came though that I was to leave to make the drive to Tulsa. The long...hour...drive. Ugh. On the way there I just kept thinking oh no, what if I can't handle the pain? I became more nervous, but was still determined to get the tattoo.

When I arrived and she printed off the stencil we placed it on the spot I thought I wanted it, however it didn't look good. So we played around and ended up putting it on it's side and more on my shoulder than on my back. I LOVED IT, but wanted a second opinion so I video called my bestie and got her opinion and she agreed.

Shae, the tattoo artist, was so kind and understanding about it being my first tattoo. She explained what she was doing as she did it. Told me what to expect and counted down before starting with the needle.

The initial pain was like someone scratching your sunburn. It hurt, but it went away pretty quick. The more she did though the more used to it I got and it really wasn't that bad. At some point I mentioned that I could fall asleep! Ha! Before I knew it we were done and over with. It was a great first experience and I highly recommend Haunted Heart Tattoo, especially Shae.

I can't wait to be able to really show it off to people!

Update on my 40 before 40 list...

It has been a minute or two since my last update on here, but here I am! I thought I would update y'all on where I am at with my 40 before 40 list! I have changed some of the items because, well frankly they just weren't feasible or they were similar to another item on the list. 

Yesterday I was able to cross off number 15, which was get a tattoo! Yep I got a REAL tattoo. No more fake ones for me! Ha! I will do a post dedicated to that here in a bit. 😀 

Well without further ado, here is my current list (some have been left out because I leave it between me, myself, and I). 

1. Lose weight
2. 
   
3. Go on a trip with just Justin
4. Go on a trip somewhere fun with just Justin and the kids
5. Get paid to take someone’s pictures
6. Take some sort of class, like cake decorating, photography, or crafting class
7. Have all of our boxes cleared out of the garage
8. Wear a dress or shirt that shows some cleavage and wear it with confidence (aka don’t be insecure)
9. Go camping 
10. Do a cartwheel 
11. Go snorkeling 
12. Take a self defense class
13. Take a girls trip with my closest girlfriends
14. Get my passport
15. Get a tattoo
16. Go to an OSU football game
17. Be in more pictures with Justin and the kids
18. Write an article and submit it to a newspaper or magazine 
19. Have purple highlights in my hair
20. Throw a birthday party for an underprivileged kid
21. Sponsor a child through compassion international
22. Go to a formal event with Justin
23. Have a FRIENDS marathon weekend where I (and anyone else who wants to join me) watch all 10 seasons of FRIENDS in order. This may be more of a 2 weekend event
24. Take the family to Disney World or Lego Land CA
25. Re-do our wedding vows 
26. Audition for a musical or play
27. Make a family yearbook at least once
28. Pay for a stranger's meal
29. Buy a bike and go on rides with my kids/family
30. Host more get togethers
31. Be able to wear a pair of boots that come to my knee
32. See Michael Buble in concert
33. Do a date night for Justin that he would enjoy.
34. Wear makeup everyday for a month
35. Buy fancy but comfy pajamas
36. Serve others more than myself
37. Do a Bible study and actually complete it
38. Find a way to contribute to our families finances without compromising my role as a mom and wife
39. Start taking the wall paper down in the guest house!
40. Climb an indoor rock climbing wall

On a more serious note...

I'm realizing that I am pretty angry. I am angry that I was not able to have a third child. Am I angry at my husband? Maybe. Am I angry at myself? Maybe. Am I angry at God? Yes. I have realized lately that I am so very angry at God for not allowing me the joy and honor of raising our third child. Now at this point in our lives it seems too late. My depression seems to be too much for me to be able to take care of a baby and myself. However, during those years of trying, why? Why didn't he allow us to have a third child? I know I will never know and by the time I can ask God in heaven I won't care, but this is my heart right now. It's effecting a lot. It's hard for me to go to church. Which is hard on my youngest son. He brings this up often.  I was listening to a podcast this morning and she brought up the verse from Psalm 37:5. It says "Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act." It is hard to follow this when I did commit my way to the LORD and yet I feel like he never acted. Then I think about Abraham and Sarah. They were way beyond child bearing age when God gave them Issac. Do I have to wait that long to be healed of depression and then be blessed with a third child? Gosh I hope not. Will God even heal me of this time of depression? These are the thoughts that consume me. These are the thoughts that cause me to want a different life some times. That's horrible, I know. But it is just me being honest.

I hope you can be honest too. I plan to talk to my counselor about this at my next appointment. I have talked to my husband and a close friend about it. I know I have people praying for me. I know I will get to a point of healing because I know that I serve a God who is the great physician. 

Thank you for letting me bear my heart to you today.