Why…

Do you ever just wonder why? Why am I so unlovable? Why can’t I have what I desire? Why do I struggle with needing the approval of other people? 

Confidence…

I once read that men find confidence in a woman attractive. My first thought, as I begin my life post divorce is “well I’m screwed!” I have never been confident in anything I do or in the way I look. 

For me, there has always been a focus on losing weight. I feel like some of my first memories are of a fad diet or having to go on an extremely long and miserable walk. My father always seemed to push me in the direction that I needed to lose weight to look good and be happy. 

What I hate the most is that as a young kid I wasn’t actually fat. I don’t even think I was overweight! Here are a couple of my school pictures from junior high.

Fast forward to high school. Two memories stick out to me. The first one was at school. I believe I was buying my prom ticket and this kid, who was considered popular, said something mean to me about my weight. The second one was, sadly, at church camp. The high school guys made some top 5 or top 10 lists of the girls. Of course I didn’t make it on the looks list. I did, however make it on the personality list. I hate that. What a crappy thing to experience while at church camp! 

You may be asking “why is she telling us this?” The reason is, I want us to do better! Let’s teach our kids that they can be happy NO MATTER WHAT SIZE they are!  Let’s teach them that being healthy is different than losing weight. Sometimes being healthy includes losing weight, that’s not lost on me. I just want the next generation to be the beautiful person God made them to be! Let’s also teach our kids to be kind. Pointing out another person’s insecurities does not make you cool. Let’s learn to love ourselves! Let’s be happy with the body we have, rolls and all! 

In case no one has told you today, I think you’re beautiful! I think you’re handsome!

Depression and loneliness

I’m once again finding myself feeling sad and lonely. I don’t understand why my friends don’t want to hang out with me. I know it’s not that they aren’t doing things. Social media shows me that they are. 

Is it my depression? Is that what keeps them from inviting me? Perhaps it’s that I come on too needy? I just wish I could find another adult human who wanted to spend time with me. 

Feeling good...

In March of 2023 I had weightloss surgery. Thus far I have lost 100 lbs! I feel amazing. I'm getting healthier, and more importantly I'm happier! For the first time in my life I actually feel sexy. I have had people tell me I'm pretty or beautiful and maybe like 2 people have said I'm sexy. However, never have I truly felt sexy, beautiful, or pretty. The older I get, the more comfortable I get in my skin. 

I can look back at pre surgery pictures and see the beautiful person I have always been. Probably for the first time ever! I can also look at pictures I take now and think "damn I'm sexy!" I'm more confident, too! 

I'm going to share a picture that I took yesterday. I went back and forth on how to share it, and decided my blog was the place to do it! 

I hope that you all can see how beautiful you are, no matter what you weigh. I hope it doesn't take losing 100 lbs for you to feel sexy. 

Day two...

With my boys doing school on the laptops it makes it a little harder for me to get to have time to use them to blog, but I will get this 31 day blog challenge done, it just may not be everyday as planned. Here is day two! Twenty facts about me:

1. With in the last few years I have caught the theatre bug! As you may have known, it was on my 40 before list to audition for a play or musical before I turned 40. When I actually got into the play I was shocked! I loved it though and have wanted to do more since! I just found out yesterday that I got into the next production at our local theatre! 

2. I hate asparagus. I feel like it is one of the few vegetables that should have been left for animals to eat and not for human consumption. I have even had it wrapped in bacon and still don't like it. That should say something about it if bacon can't even help it! Haha!

3. I love to read, but do not do it nearly enough. The truth is that if I read as much as I wanted to I would ignore my family and stay up way to late reading. That is how much I love to read. 

4. I deal with depression. I think I have probably talked a little bit about this on this blog. It is a difficult thing to deal with when you have two young kids (it is difficult to deal with no matter what really) who don't understand why you want to sleep so much. 

5. I don't typically sleep very late. For example last night I went to bed around 10 and I woke up at 3 am. Usually I "sleep in" till 4, but the last few days have been earlier than that. It makes the need for a nap a real thing. 

6. I have so many cookie cutters it isn't even funny. Do I ever make cookies with them? No. Should I get rid of them? Probably. Will I get rid of them. No. Why? Because, just as soon as I get rid of them I will need to make some cookies! Haha!

7. I have now been called to Jury Duty twice! The first time I got to sit on two different cases. This time I have yet to be called. I am still on call though, so fingers crossed that I will get called on a case!

8. I am realizing that finding 20 things about myself is difficult.

9. I like coffee. But I am more like a can I have coffee in my creamer type of gal. 

10. All time favorite TV series is Friends! I love it. I quote it. I respect anyone who gets my quotes or who also quotes it. 

11. I am a horrible home maker. Like my house is a mess 24/7. It drives me crazy. I hate the mess, but because of depression and other health problems and, well let's just be honest, laziness, I don't pick up said mess. 

12. I have a passion for girls/women who find themselves in a surprise/crisis pregnancy. I recently started volunteering at our local pregnancy resource center. I love their mission!

13. I am that competitive sports mom. You know the one. I'm yelling from the side. Losing my voice sometimes. Well this year has been a little different because of covid. My son didn't get to play school basketball, so we signed him up for Upward basketball through our church. The rules are a lot different when it comes to being competitive. I've had to really watch myself with the "that's my boy" and such. Haha!

14. I have a clothes addiction. I didn't realize it till this summer when I started to clear out things around the house. I slowly started to declutter. When it came time to declutter my closet I realized I had a lot of clothes! Is it a problem? Maybe. A problem I'm okay with, for sure!

15. I got my first tattoo last year! I kind of love it! Anytime I buy new clothes now I think "is this going to show off my tattoo?"

16. I have terrible penmanship. Like I'm pretty sure there are some first graders who write better than me! It is a good thing this blog is typed other wise you may not be able to read it!

17. When I get a drink out to eat it is always an unsweet tea with lots of ice. 

18. I keep my nativity scene up year round. Not because I'm lazy and don't want to put it up, but because I think it is beautiful and I think it should be seen year round!

19. My favorite meal to eat is Eckrich sausage and fried potatoes. Oh so good! 

20. My favorite podcast to listen to is called Glorious in the Mundane, by Christy Nockels. Go check it out. It is so good and encouraging.  

Day one...

 It has been a while since I have talked about me. Well that isn't true, I talk about me all the time. Let me start over. It has been a while since I have updated you on who I am. There we go, that is better. :) 

My name is Jessica. I am currently a stay at home mom. I have two boys, a 12 year old and a 10 year old, and a husband of 14 years. We have a cat named Waffles. 

My current passion is volunteering at our local pregnancy resource center. If your town has one of these then you know how important it can be to woman who find themselves pregnant and without family or friends to help them. We are an organization that can give them hope, resources, and most importantly share the love of Christ with them. I currently am just the receptionist, but I can't wait to get more involved. 

We "home school" our kids. I put that in quotes because it is more like school at home. It is called Epic Charter school and it is public school online. Currently my kids are doing great at it. We have done this for the past 4 years, gone through 4 teachers, 3 of which we liked. That is the great thing about Epic is that if you don't click with your teacher, you can totally request a different one! I am so glad we did this year. Our current teacher is great and we even have one of our former favorite teachers as our principle! *Side story, our first Epic teacher, Sarah Philpot, is now an author! You can buy it here.  "In this story the town's favorite storyteller, The Fable King, feels like a constant failure because of his dyslexia. But he's not a failure! He has an amazing ability." I'm SO proud of her and just had to share this on here! 

I'm not sure what else to share with you. I recently turned 40 and nearly completed my 40 before 40 list! I was so close to finishing that. I think I actually went through a day of depression the day before I turned 40 because of the fact that I no longer had that goal in mind to look forward to. 

Okay, day 1 of the blog challenge done! Oh I am supposed to share a recent picture of me. I think the most recent good one is the one I shared on here the other day, so I will just re-use it. :) 

31 - Day Blog Challenge...

I have decided to participate in a 31-day blog challenge! I am hoping that everyday I will get a blog post out, each with a different topic. So be on the look out! I should get my first one out today or tomorrow! I got the idea from this blog here. It's been a few years since they did theirs, but I think I can still join in. So what do you say? Join me on this journey?