I'm realizing that I am pretty angry. I am angry that I was not able to have a third child. Am I angry at my husband? Maybe. Am I angry at myself? Maybe. Am I angry at God? Yes. I have realized lately that I am so very angry at God for not allowing me the joy and honor of raising our third child. Now at this point in our lives it seems too late. My depression seems to be too much for me to be able to take care of a baby and myself. However, during those years of trying, why? Why didn't he allow us to have a third child? I know I will never know and by the time I can ask God in heaven I won't care, but this is my heart right now. It's effecting a lot. It's hard for me to go to church. Which is hard on my youngest son. He brings this up often. I was listening to a podcast this morning and she brought up the verse from Psalm 37:5. It says "Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act." It is hard to follow this when I did commit my way to the LORD and yet I feel like he never acted. Then I think about Abraham and Sarah. They were way beyond child bearing age when God gave them Issac. Do I have to wait that long to be healed of depression and then be blessed with a third child? Gosh I hope not. Will God even heal me of this time of depression? These are the thoughts that consume me. These are the thoughts that cause me to want a different life some times. That's horrible, I know. But it is just me being honest.
I hope you can be honest too. I plan to talk to my counselor about this at my next appointment. I have talked to my husband and a close friend about it. I know I have people praying for me. I know I will get to a point of healing because I know that I serve a God who is the great physician.
Thank you for letting me bear my heart to you today.
