This is completely copied from another blog, http://scienceblogs.com/. I felt it was great to share, especially as we continue on our journey as foster parents:
This essay is a little different than most of my
stuff. It is the result of a collaborative discussion on a foster
parenting list I’m a part of by a group of foster parents. I’ve
paraphrased and borrowed and added some things of my own, but this is
truly collaborative piece, and meant to be shared. I do NOT have to get
credit for it. So if you’d like to circulate it, use it in a training,
distribute it at foster-awareness day, hang it on the wall, run it
somewhere else, give it out to prospective foster parents, whatever, go
right ahead. This is a freebie to all! I care much more than people
know this than that I get credit – and most of the credit goes to a lot
of other wonderful people who want to remain anonymous, most of them
wiser and more experienced than I.
1. We’re not Freakin’ Saints. We are doing this
because it needs doing, we love kids, this is our thing. Some of us
hope to expand our families this way, some of us do it for the pleasure
of having laughing young voices around, some of us are pushed into it by
the children of family or friends needing care, some of us grew up
around formal or informal fostering – but all of us are doing it for our
own reasons BECAUSE WE LOVE IT and/or LOVE THE KIDS and WE ARE THE
LUCKY ONES – we get to have these great kids in our lives.
We hate being told we must be saints or angels, because we’re doing
something really ordinary and normal – that is, taking care of kids in
need. If some children showed up dirty and hungry and needing a safe
place on your doorstep, you’d care for them too – we just signed up to
be the doorstep they arrive at. The idea of sainthood makes it
impossible for ordinary people to do this – and the truth is the world
needs more ordinary, human foster parents. This also stinks because if
we’re saints and angels, we can’t ever be jerks or human or need help,
and that’s bad, because sometimes this is hard.
2. WATCH WHAT YOU SAY AROUND THE KIDS!!!!!! I can’t
emphasize this enough, and everyone is continually stunned by the things
people will ask in the hearing of children, from “Oh, is their Mom an
addict?” or “Well, they aren’t your REAL kids are they” or “Are you
going to adopt them?” or whatever. Not only is that stuff private, but
it is HORRIBLE for the kids to hear people speculating about their
families whom they love, or their future. Didn’t anyone ever explain
to you that you never say anything bad about anyone’s mother (or father)
EVER? Don’t assume you know what’s going on, and don’t ask personal
questions – we can’t tell you anyway.
3. Don’t act surprised that they are nice, smart, loving, well-behaved kids.
One of the corollaries of #1 is that there tends to be an implied
assumption that foster kids are flawed – we must be saints because NO
ONE ELSE would take these damaged, horrible kids. Well, kids in foster
care have endured a lot of trauma, and sometimes that does come with
behavioral challenges, but many of the brightest, nicest, best behaved,
kindest and most loving children I’ve ever met are foster kids. They
aren’t second best kids, they aren’t homicidal maniacs, and because
while they are here they are MINE, they are the BEST KIDS IN THE WORLD,
and yes, it does tick me off when you act surprised they are smart,
sweet and loving.
4. Don’t hate on their parents. Especially don’t do it in front of the kids, but you aren’t on my side when you are talking trash either.
Nobody chooses to be born mentally ill. No one gets addicted to
drugs on purpose. Nobody chooses to be born developmentally delayed, to
never have lived in a stable family so you don’t know how to replicate
it. Abusive and neglectful parents often love their kids and do the best
they can, and a lot of them CAN do better if they get help and support,
which is what part of this is about. Even if they can’t, it doesn’t
make things better for you to rush to judgement.
It is much easier to think of birth parents as monsters, because then
YOU could never be like THEM, but truly, birth parents are just people
with big problems. Birth and Foster parents often work really hard to
have positive relationships with each other, so it doesn’t help me to
have you speculating about them.
5. The kids aren’t grateful to us, and it is nuts to expect them to be, or to feel lucky that they are with us.
They were taken from everything they knew and had to give up parents,
siblings, pets, extended family, neighborhood, toys, everything that was
normal to them. No one asked them whether they wanted to come into
care.
YOU have complex feelings and ambivalence about a lot of things, even
if it seems like those things are good for you or for the best. Don’t
assume our kids don’t have those feelings, or that moving into our home
is happily-ever-after for them. Don’t tell them how lucky they are or
how they should feel.
By the way, there is no point comparing my home to the one they grew
up in. Both homes most likely have things the children like and dislike
about them. The truth is if every kid only got the best home,
Angelina and Brad would have all the children, and the rest of us would
have none.
6. No, we’re not making any money on it. We don’t
get paid – we get a portion of the child’s expenses reimbursed, and that
money is only for the child and does NOT cover everything. I get
about 56 cents an hour reimbursed, and I get annoyed when you imply I’m
too stupid to realized I’d make tons more money flipping burgers.
Saying this in front of the kids also REALLY hurts them – all of a
sudden, kids who are being loved and learning to trust worry that you
are only doing this because of their pittance. So just shut up about
the money already, and about the friend of a friend you know who kept
the kids in cages and did it just for the money and made millions.
7. When you say “I could never do that” as if we’re heartless
or insensitive, because we can/have to give the kids back to their
parents or to extended family, it stings.
Letting kids go IS really hard, but someone has to do it. Not all
kids in care come from irredeemable families. Not everyone in a birth
family is bad – in fact, many kin and parents are heroic, making
unimaginable sacrifices to get their families back together through
impossible odds. Yes, it is hard to let kids we love go, and yes, we
love them, and yes, it hurts like hell, but the reality is that because
something is hard doesn’t make it bad, and you aren’t heartless if you
can endure pain for the greater good of your children. You are just a
regular old parent when you put your children’s interests ahead of your
own.
8. No, they aren’t ours yet. And they won’t be on
Thursday either, or next Friday, or the week after. Foster care
adoption TAKES A LONG TIME. For the first year MINIMUM the goal is
always for kids to return to their parents. It can take even longer
than that. Even if we hope to adopt, things could change, and it is just
like any long journey – it isn’t helpful to ask “Are we there yet”
every five minutes.
9. Most kids will go home or to family, rather than being adopted.
Most foster cases don’t go to adoption. Not every foster parent
wants to adopt. And not every foster family that wants to adopt will be
adopting/wants to adopt every kid.
It is NOT appropriate for you to raise the possibility of adoption
just because you know they are a foster family. It is ESPECIALLY not
appropriate for you to raise this issue in front of the kids. The kids
may be going to home or to kin. It may not be an adoptive match. The
family may not be able to adopt now. They may be foster-only. Not all
older children want or choose to be adopted, and after a certain age,
they are allowed to decide. Family building is private and none of
everyone’s business. They’ll let you know when you need to know
something.
10. If we’re struggling – and all of us struggle sometimes –
it isn’t helpful to say we should just “give them back” or remind us we
brought it on ourselves. ALL parents pretty much brought their
situation on themselves whether they give birth or foster, but once you
are a parent, you deal with what you’ve got no matter what. “I told you
so” is never helpful. This is especially true when the kids have
disabilities or when they go home. Yes, we knew that could happen.
That doesn’t make it any easier.
11. Foster kids are not “fake kids,” and we’re not babysitters – they are all my “REAL kids.”
Some of them may stay forever. Some of them may go and come back.
Some of them may leave and we’ll never see them again. But that’s
life, isn’t it? Sometimes people in YOUR life go away, too, and they
don’t stop being an important part of your life or being loved and
missed. How they come into my family or for how long is not the point.
While they are here they are my children’s REAL brothers and sisters,
my REAL sons and daughters. We love them entirely, treat them the way
we do all our kids, and never, ever forget them when they leave. Don’t
pretend the kids were never here. Let foster parents talk about the
kids they miss. Don’t assume that kids are interchangeable – one baby
is not the same as the next, and just because there will be more kids
later doesn’t make it any easier now.
12. Fostering is HARD. Take how hard you think it
will be and multiply it by 10, and you are beginning to get the idea.
Exhausting, gutwrenching and stressful as heck. That said, it is also
GREAT, and mostly utterly worth it. It is like Tom Hanks’ character in
_League of Their Own_ says about baseball: “It is supposed to be hard.
If it wasn’t hard everyone would do it. The hard is what makes it
great.”
13. You don’t have to be a foster parent to HELP support kids and families in crisis. If you want to foster, GREAT – the world needs more foster families. But we also need OTHER kinds of help.
You can:
- . Treat foster parents with a new placement the way you would a family that had a baby
– it is JUST as exhausting and stressful. If you can offer to cook
dinner, help out with the other kids, or lend a hand in some way, it
would be most welcome.
- . Offer up your children’s outgrown stuff to pass on
– foster parents who do short-term fostering send a lot of stuff home
with the kids, and often could use more. Alternatively, many
communities have a foster care closet or donation center that would be
grateful for your pass-downs in good condition.
- . Be an honorary grandparent, aunt or uncle. Kids need as many people in their lives as possible, and relationships that say “you are special.”
- . Become a respite provider, taking foster children for a week or a weekend so their parents can go away or take a break.
- . Offer to babysit. Foster parents have lives, plus they have to go to meetings and trainings, and could definitely use the help.
- . Be a big brother, sister or mentor to older foster kids. Preteens and Teens need help imagining a future for themselves – be that help.
- . Be an extra pair of hands when foster families go somewhere challenging -
offer to come along to the amusement park, to church, to the
playground. A big family or one with special needs may really
appreciate just an extra adult or a mother’s helper along.
- . Support local anti-poverty programs with your time and money. These are the resources that will hopefully keep my kids fed and safe in their communities when they go home.
- . If you’ve got extra, someone else can probably use it.
Lots of foster families don’t have a lot of spare money for activities –
offering your old hockey equipment or the use of your swim membership
is a wonderful gift.
- . Make programs for kids friendly to kids with disabilities and challenges.
You may not have thought about how hard it is to bring a disabled or
behaviorally challenged kid to Sunday school, the pool, the local kids
movie night – but think about it now, and encourage inclusion.
- . Teach your children from the beginning to be welcoming, inclusive, kind and non-judgemental,
Teach them the value of having friends from different neighborhoods,
communities, cultures, races and levels of ability. Make it clear that
bullying, unkindness and exclusion are NEVER EVER ok.
- . Welcome foster parents and their family into your community warmly, and ASK them what they need, and what you can do.
13. Reach out to families in your community that are struggling
– maybe you can help so that the children don’t ever have to come into
foster care, or to make it easier if they do. Some families really need
a ride, a sitter, some emotional support, some connection to local
resources. Lack of community ties is a HUGE risk factor for children
coming into care, so make the attempt.
