The dark places we go...

Tonight I miss my baby. I want to put my hand on my belly and feel her kick. I want to talk to her and pray for her. But I can't. I can't do any of that. I hate this. I have gone to see my counselor and while that helped, I just don't know how to get out of this dark place that miscarriage has taken me. 

They say that you will move past it. They say that things will get better. But will I ever really move past the loss of this baby? I don't know. Will things ever get better? Again, I don't know. 

I know that I love my sweet boys that God has already blessed me with. I don't want anyone to think that I don't. Still though, there is now something...someone really...missing from my life. 

I love you sweet baby girl Christy.

Writing letters...

Ian wrote his first letter "A" today! I wrote the first one and then talked him through writing his own. Of course the super proud mom in me overreacted, causing him to be embarrassed.  Perhaps once school starts (tomorrow) he will want to learn to write more!

What I'm learning...

Recently the ladies in our FLOCK (aka Sunday School) started reading a book called 'Made to Crave'. It is really good and I am loving it so far. 

Something that I really like is the way she takes scripture and applies it to food our and our relying on it rather than God. 

Take for instance Esau in the Bible: (Genesis 25:29-33)

29 Once when Jacob was cooking stew, Esau came in from the field, and he was exhausted. 30 And Esau said to Jacob, “Let me eat some of that red stew, for I am exhausted!” (Therefore his name was called Edom.) 31 Jacob said, “Sell me your birthright now.” 32 Esau said, “I am about to die; of what use is a birthright to me?” 33 Jacob said, “Swear to me now.” So he swore to him and sold his birthright to Jacob. 

The author of the book brings up the fact that Esau was willing to give up something so wonderful and important for what would please him at that moment. 

How often do we do that.? How often do I do that? Yeah, the answer would be ALL THE TIME! I may not be giving up my birthright, but I am giving up time with my kids, meeting my weight goal. And those are just two things I can think of. 

Today (I almost said this week, but lets just take it one day at a time) I am going to write down what I eat and email it to a friend so she can keep me accountable. What are you doing to help you reach a goal? I would love to hear about it!

Casting anxieties...

1 Peter 5:7-8 

⁷  casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. ⁸  Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.

Emotional breakdown...

Miscarriage sucks. I'm really having a hard time lately dealing with it. I am mad. Surprisingly not at God, but just at the situation. I don't understand at all why this had to happen. I have heard all the things like "God has a plan" or "You will see her/him in heaven someday". I agree with those things, but seriously it just isn't helping me. 

I feel guilty for feeling so upset about this because I do have two sweet boys that I get to love on. I feel like I shouldn't be so angry about it. The truth is I am. Sometimes I just want to punch a hole in the wall I am so mad. 

Saturday night I had a huge breakdown. My poor husband. He is so sweet and patient with me. I wasn't sure what was bothering me at first, but after a little time to myself I figured it out. He listened to me cry and talked to me and helped calm me down. He has a very soothing voice. 

I just wish I knew if I would ever get over this, if I will ever stop having the feeling of missing this baby I never knew. 

I will say it again, miscarriage sucks.

My kids true faces...

3 1/2 years and 60 pounds ago...

I found this picture today on facebook. It was from February 2009. Ian was about 5 months old and I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight. Look at how skinny my face is! I want to be there again. I started reading a book for a book study that our FLOCK (aka Sunday School) ladies are doing. It is called Made To Crave. It is really encouraging me in my weight loss journey. I want to crave God, not food. As she said in the book, "we crave what we eat". WOW, so simple, yet so deep. 

So my new motto is Made to Crave! Let's do it friends, let's get closer to God and closer to being the person he wants us to be!

drawing the line...

Do you ever wonder where to draw the line for things. For instance, I have one of my kids down for a nap and the other one is snuggling with me on the couch watching a movie (about Jesus might I add). Now then my plan was or is to fix some meals so that we don't have to worry about it later in the week. But these snuggle times won't last long and I wonder to myself "get up or enjoy snuggles?" 

What would you do?

My man...

I thought I would share 5 things about my wonderful husband that you may not know...

1. He is one good looking man. Have you seen him? I see him everyday and I just think he gets cuter with age! 

2. He is a hard worker. I get to stay at home and love on my boys all day because he works so hard. He not only works hard at his job, but at our house. 

3. He is such a genius! I love me a smart man, and I do believe I have the smartest! 

4. He spent at least 30 to 45 minutes playing tops with Ian the other day. It was so neat to watch him do that. Ian said of his daddy "he is really good at tops"! 

5. He randomly leaves me a Diet Dr. Pepper several times through out the week. They usually come at the perfect time too!  

My husband is so special to me. I am proud to call him the man of our house!

Me and my love on our wedding day, December 16, 2006.

Owen...

Chick-fil-a...

Honestly, I don't really need a special day to go to Chick-fil-a. I go at least once a week anyways. But I am always down with a day to support them. So this morning after doing a few things my boys and I picked up a little snack. We are saving the real support for tonight's dinner! 

Can tomorrow be Smashburger appreciation day? ;)